If you're hearing a rusty clankity sound about now, its not you. Its all me. I'm rolling out my poor brain that hasn't thought about writing or typing in forever...unless you count chatting via instant messengers ZD.
Life has gone a changing. Its no longer filled with blinding lights but with one or two search lights looking for something lost in the dark. A little bit of pain never damaged anything. Life has so many echos from many corners of teh heart. and I have a few I'd like to rip out to let it go else where.
"I just cant stand him!"
"I think...its the right thing..."
^^;; well i started when it was about 5 after 5
...yeah. well. I'm glad a friend of mine brought me back to LJ. I kinda missed blogging of life after reading a few sad entries of mine back in 06...*shivers* oh man were those depressing.
i'm alive - always a good thing to know that your ghost, er host, is still alive and not trying to contact you from the other side of the void.
Walking, hand in hand
hm. How long ago have i not been here? a couple hundred days? more i think
I shall return. i sware
Here I am again, going to spill out my life thoughts and pains, and nobody is going to care. [clarify]..on this site.
but its still true.
I guess trying to push myself into something tat was made by other people, is kinda ridiculas...and not being able to spell ridiculas is really ridiculas....gak. Anywhere I go, I seem to break all the friendships I create.
Yes, Im sad,angry,upset, nullified
I read some old journals of the beginning of the year i did, and I was right back then, and I should have listen.
NO BOYFRIENDS/LOVE CHASESING
............................and I didnt listen.
now pay concequences
heart tearing, tears dying, and of course, emotions break out
I feel that I can only talk about the effect, and not what's really going on. If I did, it make matters worse. Its just a curse.
>< I dont know, maybe I can if i dont notice
I was told I should hear what my friends say about me, hear their opinions. >.> um what opinions?
so ookay, Im isolateing myself in a cafeteria ...at lunch time. big bad huh
"you just become a wall. Like you don't want to talk in a group"
Thats what my guy friend told me a week ago.
I think thats all I can work on now.
geez, i wish i wasn't so stubborn to my old ways, my first ways. Back when I was thought of some retard and best to just use to get to things and I had to defend myself in more than one way. Wish I didn't stay clammed up when I talk to people, I want them to know how I feel about them, I want them to say something of it. Maybe he knows whats next, or what I should do, but I cant the courage to tell him about it. I just want to cry about it. it hurts that much. the only reason I have not told him, is I dont want to loose him, like how I lost my other friends. I've done research about this, asked all the range of people to ask....except the people in relationships....married people dont count. All this stuff about "what the girl should do" or "The man has to pay the bill" or "dont open the door for the man, its an insult to them". I dont want to follow the rules too much cus I be lke a traditional or something, but nor do I want to be too blunt about it. I can handle being a friend of a guy, I love that part. I love them to bits. We can play video games, joke around, exchange our theroys etc. But when it comes to deciding if they can be a possible love~love friend or how to take a move, i go loca or I completely kill it.
I think this is my third crush but first one thats really really exotic[in a good way]. My best friend said i must of had my animal instinct kick in when I first met him...well, when i got the chance to know him. First time i met him, he was only my i-candy....started as. Later we became friends, and now....now....now I dont know what we are. Its like past the stage of classmates, small friend, and before Best Friend...with a hint of spice. Yes I understand he's different to a Girl friend[no no no no lesbian. me no lesbian!><] and he's different to the guys at game. This quarter, this quarter has had so may twists and turns, I dont know wat Im doing anymore. Compared to how the previous quarters were, this spring qrt started kinda lonely cus I started to stay on campus and avoid the library. Lonely in the sense that all my previous friends no longer came or everybody was busy and I spent my time on the computer or drawing. Least it was better than before, finished class and zoom straight home.
I think by the second week i was getting depressed when out of the blue, BOOM, my friend comes around the corner and sits with me. At first, i was absolutely glad to have his company. We talked, did some homework, and then he had to go. The following week...a week later.....we met again. We talked, talked and talked and we exchanged our times when we were in the cafeteria. Now the third one was the best and most scariest of my life. it was a wensday, i had class later, and he comes by. I didn't really expect him to come by and stay but he did. we chat for a bit, when, for a bit, i kinda started to think bad things. see, he likes to play with people's mind and he was doing it to me. "okay, think about your favorite dish[exact words, sware!] and think only that. Good, now imagien it right in-front of you, right there, the smell coming right off. ready for you to eat..." I WISH TO GOD I wasnt so easily to blush. This time when I tried to see the plate....it didn't have any food on it...nore clothes.
After that, i got worse. I got worse. I GOT WORSE. He kept on talking, o gwad I love how he talks. his voice is so soothing, insuring and just lovable. btb, I did my best to swep aside the thought of ...of the plate, and tried to pay attention to his conversation..ours ...when I started to crave his arm. yes his arm. not for food, but to search me and hold me. then it was his waist, how I so wanted to warp around it and smell him. after that...his lips. To have him sweep down, tuck me back and kiss, kiss till all the life around was at a standstill. I know I'm getting into things beyond my own experience, but, This was what I wanted then, and all the time hence forth.
[gaaaaaaaaaaaah *tear* more happy than tears... HE WASS RIGHT HERE MY FREAKEAN GAWED!!!!!!!1:16...WAT THE FREAKEN AM I DIALINGINTHIS IN GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW]
*BREATH IN breathout*
now I dont know wat I was going to...nore if I want to continue. ...well, COntinueE to SEe him is ForE SureE. I haawe NoIdEa why Im Sot DRUNkey Like!!!@v@
seee seee how he trips all the wires. all of them. Its like he does this for me. ...let me search wat 'love' is.
Love represents a range of human emotions and experiences related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. This diversity of meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
As an abstract concept love usually refers to a strong, ineffable feeling towards for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love to the nonsexual. Love in its various forms acts as a major facilitator of interpersonal relationships and, owing to its central psychological importance, is one of the most common themes in the creative arts.
Love is a strange thing. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world, or it can really hurt, but in the end love is something most, if not all of us, will face. While there are many different ways to define love and there are many different ways to love someone (even yourself), here is a general guide to loving. Love is the continual act of unconditionally putting the needs of others before your own.
from "how to love"
Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.[that there is so wrong. you people, shame on you]
You have to find someone that will suit you, someone you feel comfortable with - not just someone to make love to.
People who truly love look forward to their relationship growing more meaningful and precious. They have hope. Which is an attitude that happily anticipates the good. It isn't being blind and denies there are problems, but it does look beyond the problems. People who truly love each other do not allow their problems to rob them of their happiness.
The idea of love is fueled by childhood fantasies. The love shown in movies, as obtainable as it may be, is rare to say the least.
Your experience concieved by you as 'love' is usually not experiened by others as 'love', because it is admixture of your subjective perceptions resulting from ego.
The experience of love becomes more and more intense as you become more and more objective and it is experienced by others irresistibly. This lovedoes not remain restricted, becomes transcendental, sublime and encompasses the whole universe and becomes cosmic romance.Realize that love is a feeling that wikihow can describe and attempt to assist, but ultimately, you are the one who must take action in order to discover love.
from Merriamwebster Dictionary
transitive verb1: to hold dear : cherish2 a: to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for b (1): caress (2): to fondle amorously (3): to copulate with3: to like or desire actively : take pleasure in <loved to play the violin>4: to thrive in <the rose loves sunlight>intransitive verb: to feel affection or experience desire
From "How to knowing the differeence..."
“How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”
— Albert Einstein
Love is difficult to define. How do you avoid confusing it with infatuation or lust? Philosophers and psychologists both have attempted to define love, or at least its difference from infatuation and lust. If you are looking to find love, the following observations may be helpful.
mm maybe I went over my head...but. I think I want to write a paper on Love...weird cus I kinda started yesteday~
so yes where was ?.....before all the insertions. I was was...oh..*facepalm*
And Yes, I think I like Lovelove him..but I dont know if he knows what i know...its just frustrating that I cant really decide wat is it that im going through
Is it too early in our friendship to ask? what Do i say? have our silences been hints that he doesn't like me? should I be stupide enought and ask him striaght up? be subtle? does he even have a girlfriend? Does he even care?>????? is he doing this on purpose? is he lying to me? Why does he stay with me all the time? I like his company, but some things like today kinde of are wrong.see, he has class, [not sure]8:30-9:20am and class at 9:20-10:20am everyday cept friday. and today, I walk out of my math test, all bum about it and I did a Gina*. HE saw my Gina and well, said he had class and we started to talk. Me being all bum, inside I wanted to hug him and just bawl in his jacket. but he had class so I just walked with him. We talked wat seemed like forever, said he was feeling better, and that he was going to his 'favorite' class. he went to class, I went to my car and got my lappy and headed for the cafeteria. right before I got inside, i passed some outdoor tables and I thought "hey, its really nice today, maybe we can sit outside and...oh. no because he wont find me, and two, I need power. oh well." Went in to the cafeteria and found a table, dirty but a table the same. I was cleaning it, when [blank] starts to say something behind me. I twirl around and its him. my heart starts it skippity skips, and I begin to go mute. "you know, there are other tables to sit at." I stop and say "well, you're not here to show me the best one. Oright, take me to a better table" He smiles, and mumbles something and walks the other way. I get my things, and follow. We get to the end of the room and before we exit, he says, "you know, how about we be outside?"
my jaw drops...not literly but, my gosh, wat were the chances? hmmmmm
We go outside, find a 'clean' table and sit. we ask each other about math and then i thought about his timing.
"he came when I was still picking a table....thats when I'm at the cafeteria before 10am....wat???????!!!"
[blank] looks at me because I had stopped and droppedish my pencil. "what? whats wrong?" he asks. I think real hard of my words and ask as I stuttered a bit "You kinda came a bit early....from your class....-"
"yeah cus i just left."
"you just left?"
"yeah. I got there, and got up and left a bit later"
little stunned about this i joke "oh you left the class cus you wanted my test answers" which was true for he has a test this thursday.
"huh oh yeah, yeah. Because I wanted the test answers."
so yeah....i think i came to an empty silence time.
the research says I should write down everything that comes into mind when I think of [blank]. a brainstorm it said.
one to see how much is what, lust, love, and this Infatuation
*sigh* Now i really wish I had someone else to converse with about this. Maybe him, maybe my best friend, but somebody I wouldn't have to explain much to jinx this chance.
later ppls. IM giong cwwazy now. I got lotst to do, so little motivation to do so. wait.......my Birthday WEEKEnd is this fRidAy!
kay really now its for good......
wait....I dont remember if this will be picked up on Facebook or not....well if it does get to facebook, then I'll be a bit embarassed about the way Im typing and with all the mistakes and such but. I really really am drowning in emotions, enought to get me all drunk likeishing
LOVE to you all!
*finished reading own blogs*
wow, i was one sad little girl..
four letter word horizontally
third letter connects to the state name, Virginia
I dont even remember when was the last time I did a free write in my journal. well, I'm sure its been a while since I wrote out my thoughts...if it did any good...
I'm here, on the verge of just giving up, in the first few days of school.
one side of me wants to play all day, draw, eat sleep and who know what else she wants to do
the other one wants to read both books, finish taking notes, ask for more hw, start on next next week of hw and do everything with A++ effort.
Im stuck in the middle of these two girls. I have to pick what I do all the time.
well not really stuck. just feels that way sometimes.
I think there may be more of me than just those two. Sometimes I get these feeling to be with someone else at the very moment I feel it. or else I begin to think of sad things when I don't want to.
its not fair not knowing who you are at times. I thought I did want a boyfriend or someone to be with to share experiences...but now Im not too sure. I dont want to think bad of this. but after one day of class, I managed to get closer to this one guy than what the other friends put together could do in one week. Not that its wrong but, Im scared...really scared about this.
This time its different. not gradually into the topic, or instant spark, its just ugh.
what am I scared of? scared to pursue what 've dreamed of all my life (not that its been much)
I'm the worst person to be asked if he was hitting on me or if I was flirting back, but after reviewing the day with two friends, one guy and the other a gal, they both concluded there was a few flirts going back and forth between us. aahg.
whats it to be in love with someone you dont know? How do we know they exsist? how do we know if the person we find is the right one? how will we know till we go for it?
I dont know what I was doing with my easter bunny but apperently I had it at class with me. the students were young, as in middle school or possibly highschool. I was leaving cus the next class was coming and it was that group that was asking about the bunny. I was telling a little girl first about the other bunnies with different patterns, at the store and so on. I try to leave but the girl says that I should join band or cheer, cus the group needed someone with a mascot??? what? how did that work? anyway, I keep trying to leave but the girl says/asks if she can have the bunnie, I yell walking out "no no this is my easter bunny. no no no" i WAS going to say Cottentail, cus thats her real name, but I held back. I get outside, and one of the boys from the classroom comes out with something in his hand. He starts rambleling that it was all he had but he was still wanting to buy my bunny. With two dollars!? no way. of course I said no, and that he shouldnt waste his lunch muney on favors. then I get bombared with questions by another student, think older, about how to get to some tasty donut place. I keep repeating to him to take bus 4 & 5 but he wouldnt listen. he said at the end, where is it? can you show me where?? I was going to reply no that I had other things to do but then I get hit at the feet by a baby stroller, those for the doll, it was kinda green...wait...i think it was just a skinny one...anyway, I get hit by the stroller, i look down, and I see men's shoes. I slowly look up, hearing the guy askin' if I was going to come, I begin to answer "I'm sorry but I cant come show you were..-"
"come one! please?! why cant you come?" the guy asks all impatient
"becuase uh..."my answer slowly quiets down.
"BEcuase shes going with her friend." A man, tall, hansome and familiar holds my hand and begins to squeeze it gently, as if giving support. His hand was so warm, gentle and inviting.
I turn back to the guy, " yeah, cus of ...what he said." the guy turns around, a bit upset and walks off. I turn back to the man and I jump on him and hug him as if I never had hugged him or anyone in years.
"hey hey woaw easy there, its only been-"
" its been too long !!, I cant believe it after so long! I dont want to jinx this. I dont want this to go."
"I wont go away, Im right here." guess by this point, i was all 'omg its him its him' and I begin to weep at his shoulder. he soothes me, hushes me and holds me tighter. I try to stop crying for a little bit, just enough to see who it was. I turn my head to see....
and then I wake up!!!>.< I just hate it. It was someone that I know trully, but who? I cant believe I had to wake up. waking up without the alarm in the middle of a suspensful dream is just the worst to happen.X_X so yeah im awake now. going to do hw... a little.
happy birthday Ann!! I'm calling today! ...sometime..
Its good friday? what does that mean :/
I'm so looking forward to this quarter ^.^
I want to hug someone, can I hug you? any of you?
Its a new quarter.
the last quarter.
my last chance.
I have too much freedom
I cant control myself anymore
I was a 3.69 student before I came to college
now im below the min.
I cant panic, I cant get hysteric, I cant even ask for help
What trouble im in
my parents dont know really whats going on
well maybe mom does
I'm screwing up my easiest classes, all becuase I have freedom.
I regret saying to the boys at the beginning of the year, that Im not looking for a 'boyfriend'
I regret also that I gave off the vibe that I was cold to everyone, and that I bravely said I had a crush to the world. well not anymore. I hate it when theres talk of me behind my back, and I dont get to hear it untill the damage has already happen. Maybe its just me reading too hard what everyone is doing. IDK.
I've brought the entire destruction of my life, in only two quarters.
I cant tell if im in worried that I'm going to get kicked out, or happy that I wont need to continue school.
its just too much freedom, and I dont know how to control it
Karla is starting to help. alot.
Now I just gotta get back into the groove of studying, like how it was before
before I had this freedom. before I began the discovery of me, before college
I can feel that I'm not ready for college,
but my heart trys to hide that from me.
It took me three years into highschool, to start acting like a middleschooler...by then it was too late
Am I mentally behind? am I too young to be at college? Should I just go?
I'm scrambling to get classes to stay at cal poly
I'm scrambling to get a higher gpa to stay at cal poly
I'm scrambling to find me to stay at cal poly